This really sucks. He just doesn't reply to my e-mails. In a sense, I can't blame him- I am pretty weird (both in looks and in actions lol). It's not my fault I can't talk to him! He tried to say hi to me once or twice, and I kind of rushed away without saying anything. The words just get caught in my throat, and nothing comes out. I fear what I might say- if I start talking to him, I'll want to tell him everything. Believe me, EVERYTHING is not what a sensible person wants to hear. How can it hurt him to say nothing? Is that worse than everything? I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. It's just....well, he makes me quite nervous. You can't possibly imagine talking to someone you've admired since grade 2! If you've ever seen the movie "Ever After", it feels like the part where "Nicol's" friend (the amateur artist) has to talk to Leonardo Da Vinci. It's something a person's always dreamed of, always wanted to do, but the one thing that seems most impossible. "I couldn't tell you, but I'm telling you now". I love that line... it sums up my entire life. There are so many things I wish I could tell him, but I know I can't do that until it's already too late. On the other hand, I never want to end up like Uncle John, that would be so horrible! (this is more a reference for me, so people who don't know who Uncle John is can just forget I mentioned him). You know when you have a crush, and that person is all you can think about?...when, you don't know the person at all, but, somehow, something they said or did, or the way they look attracts you to them? This is nothing like that! I feel as if I know him (in reality, I know nothing of the little things, and, sometimes, those are the most important). I would settle for just being friends, or occasionally chatting on the Net, if that's what he really wanted. I never know what to do, because I don't want to appear needy or drive him away by seeming obsessive. I'm not really THAT obsessive (lol). Besides, what is passion, but obsession? I have passion for life, friendship, and love. It is true, then, that I obsess about these things the most. I could never pass up the chance for love, but friendship is the next best thing. Love is like energy- it never disappears, but it continually changes form. Therefore, it shouldn't be extremely hard to make the transition from friendship to love, or back again. "The greatest risk in life is to hazard nothing." (something to that effect, anyway)

Today I signed up for the Street Team at http://www.peta2.com You get points for exposing people to the truth about animal testing, fur, KFC cruelty, cruel treatment of animals for entertainment etc. You can then use the points you earn to get free gear such as backpacks, t-shirts, books, CDs, bumper stickers... the list goes on. It's not that hard to make a difference!

We chatted today for a maximum of one minute. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was setting the table for supper, asked me what I was doing, I told him I was about to do some homework, and then he said he had to go eat. He said "sorry" after he said he had to go, which tells me he either regretted having to go so soon, or that he is extremely polite (and does not have the nerve to tell me he does not want to chat with me). Hopefully he will respond to the e-mail shortly, and I will find out. If he does not say no straight out, or imply it with strength and reinforcement, I will persistent. It brightened my day, at least.

I saw Jeff, Jordan, John, Jack, or Jeremy 5 times today. That's the most I've ever seen him in one day! I must say- it was a good day. I can't help but try my hardest to imprint his face and clothing on my memory (because I fear I will not see him again after the end of this school year, despite my attempts to make contact). He has not responded to my most recent e-mail yet, and it could be that he doesn't want to talk, or that he just hasn't had the time. I'll tell you which it is when I figure it all out- which will be in about a week. I sure hope my heart doesn't break- but I just had to try for him because he is the top dog, and I would kill myself with the "what if"s if I hadn't at least given it a shot. I have some homework to do, so I'll let you go. Thanks for lending an ear.